GayWeddings.com

Back in 1999, when my partner and I were hunting for vendors to help us with our wedding services, we got awfully tired of the 'coming out' process. Especially because "gay weddings" wasn't exactly on everyone's lips back then!

The piece de resistance came when the site coordinator at the facility where we got married started referring to the groom (after my partner and I had just spent an hour touring the place with her) and I had to point to my partner and say that, actually, we were two brides.

Uh-oh. The gal then stood up, shook hands with, and reintroduced herself to my partner. Cringe! She tried, at least, and was very kind to us, but it was a memorably awkward moment.

I know you, Dear Readers, have many stories to share. So, those of you who have 'em, share 'em! Those of you who are looking for other solutions, feel free to post your tips and vendor recommendations here.

And, of course, there's always our vendor directory.

Many of the hetero wedding planning websites recommend that you tell people you are planning "a private party" when checking out reception sites, because a lot of vendors see dollar signs as soon as they hear the word wedding. In some cases they even have official written pricing that is different for a wedding. So, unless you feel compelled to come out for political reason, you may want to stick with the "party" description because it could save you a little cash!!!

Ah, yes. We have now been gown shopping at the same store no less than 6 times, and we still find ourselves having to explain that we are two brides marrying each other every time, even though everyone there has been great or fine about it once they understand. We appreciate the friendliness, but having to counter their false assumptions every time is frustrating. We chose our photographer because he took great photos of our friends' lesbian wedding, but we still had to clarify a few times with him, too. Ditto for most of the other people it has come up with who don't already know us- even my chiropractor! I agree- it's annoying- no need for people to be psychic about it, but they could at least check their assumptions when talking to a stranger, especially if they're a wedding vendor talking to a customer! -Kate-

quote:

Originally posted by Kathryn:
Back in 1999, when my partner and I were hunting for vendors to help us with our wedding services, we got awfully tired of the 'coming out' process. Especially because "gay weddings" wasn't exactly on everyone's lips back then!

I think that calling ahead often does a LOT to eliminate awkward moments in person. The only awkward moment ("wait, you're the bride? No, you're the bride? I'm confused!") was discussing bouquets with a florist that we hadn't talked to extensively on the phone beforehand, but just dropped in on after a brief call-ahead. Oh, and at a bridal show we went to, tee hee.

Anyway, I think the implicit telling ahead of meeting is especially important if you are both femme and not exactly triggering the gaydar. People can be pretty dense in overlooking the obvious (terms of endearment, couple-stuff), because grooms are often not involved in the planning, but maids of honor usually are.

At the same time, we didn't want to make a huge deal about it being a gay wedding and formally out ourselves to every vendor.

Our compromise was that whenever one of us would talk to a vendor on the phone, we'd just be sure to mention somewhere early in the conversation "my fiancee, female-first-name" in conjunction with some aspect of the planned event. Most people didn't skip a beat because this was Vermont and civil unions were old hat then, or they had a positive reaction. Gay weddings are in the mainstream media enough now that they should get it from that, rather than assuming that your fiancee is a man named Jennifer.

I have to disagree with the above poster about the wisdom of calling it a 'private party'. You might save money, but you also might end up with vendors who haven't had time to prepare for the reality of the event, and you might end up with nasty surprises about their tolerance. You spend a lot of time working with wedding vendors before the big day, and it's so much more enjoyable if they are supportive.

quote:

Originally posted by Countess:
People can be pretty dense in overlooking the obvious (terms of endearment, couple-stuff), because grooms are often not involved in the planning, but maids of honor usually are...

Gay weddings are in the mainstream media enough now that they should get it from that, rather than assuming that your fiancee is a man named Jennifer.

This is a great point, Countess. I think the awkward moment for me and my partner was because of that very thing -- that Maids of Honor are often very involved. Women seem to go to the restroom in groups, but also seem to plan weddings in dyads or groups, too. I still find it amazing, though, that people are confused even when statements are made that would fly in the face of the assumption they are making.

I do hope that, somewhere out there, there is a man named Jennifer who knows that he is not alone!

quote:

Originally posted by Kathryn:
This is a great point, Countess. I think the awkward moment for me and my partner was because of that very thing -- that Maids of Honor are often very involved. Women seem to go to the restroom in groups, but also seem to plan weddings in dyads or groups, too. I still find it amazing, though, that people are confused even when statements are made that would fly in the face of the assumption they are making.

I do hope that, somewhere out there, there is a man named Jennifer who knows that he is not alone!

Tee hee!

At the bridal show we went to a lot of the vendors had conversations like this with us. "Who's the bride?" "We both are!" "Oooh, how nice for you, that your best friend can plan her wedding together with you?" and then "oooh, you're getting married on the same day, isn't that special?" We had a lot of fun with playing dumb for a bit before finally saying "ooooh, no, it's not a double wedding! We're getting married to each other!"

But seriously, if you call a vendor ahead of time, which you should anyway because it saves you a lot of time, if you talk about your fiancee Stephanie and how she wants a bouquet in the same colors as yours but tied in a way that matches her wedding gown better, we never ever had anyone fail to figure it out.

My feeling is that if you talk about it like it's the most normal thing in the world and don't make a big deal about it, then vendors generally quickly get that it's just like any other wedding, except perhaps particularly well planned because there are two brides AND maids of honor AND two mothers of the bride all running things with an iron fist. Seriously, we found the wedding industry more than delighted to have our business and our vendors could not have been more lovely.


Now that we're married and have the same last name, straight people seem to get it right away that we have the same last name because we're married. We've seriously had way more of a hard time from other gay people -- I think because we're both girly and the whole name-change thing is much more foreign to them. We really get "Oh, you're sisters!" almost exclusively from people in the gay community, particularly lesbians, which I find somewhat perplexing. Like they can overlook all kinds of PDA and endearments because they think we're just too femme to do anything other than shop together or something.

Ditto with the "my fiancee, female-first-name..." thing. So far it's my favorite unobtrusive way of making sure our vendors know what they're getting into. I think it's important to get the same-sex-wedding part across early, because there are homophobic vendors out there and you don't want to lose an important piece of the wedding at the last minute. It also helps the vendor if they know exactly what you're going for. Our friends (two brides) ran into this almost right away, when a florist refused to do their wedding as soon as it became apparent that it was a lesbian wedding. Another touchy situation I wanted to get right was the service at the reception- I made sure to ask the restaurant manager point-blank if there were any servers she knew of who would be uncomfortable serving a lesbian wedding reception, because I really don't want any negative energy or less-than-great service at our party. This can be an important issue to discuss with your officiant, too, as s/he may be able to help design a ceremony and act in such a way that parents or other relatives who may not be comfortable with the wedding feel more at ease. Another vendor we found was important to be clearly out to was the bridal-gown store (for obvious reasons, but more specifically) because J's gown is technically in their "bridesmaid" line (hers is a fancy red ballgown)- since bridesmaids' dresses tend to be made quite a bit more shoddily than bridal gowns, we wanted to make sure they knew that this was her wedding dress. Indeed, we had to send back the first one they tried to give us because it was in bad condition, and again stress that it was her wedding gown- it came back perfect the second time. This is the same store I wrote of above, where we keep having to remind them that we're two brides every time we go back (probably 10 visits now)- they're not mean, but they sure do seem to have goldfish-memories sometimes!

We, thank God, had my parents look at reception places. They found a place that we loved and my Dad went in to speak with the event planner. When he said that it was for his daughter they asked the name, which he gave, when they asked for the groom's name he just said "Star" with a straight faced and smiled. It was cute. The place turned out to be soooooo amazing and sweet. They treated us like royalty. Its very stressful to think about having to "out" yourself over and over again. I'm glad that most of that is over.

I also disagree with the wisdom of calling this a 'private party'. A wedding is not just a party, and it requires more preparation and care than another event might. If you pick the right vendors, you'll find that they are as excited as you are. I am a celebrant in Jersey, and I am thrilled that I can give these unions the dignity they deserve.

I have to disagree with the above poster about the wisdom of calling it a 'private party'. You might save money, but you also might end up with vendors who haven't had time to prepare for the reality of the event, and you might end up with nasty surprises about their tolerance. You spend a lot of time working with wedding vendors before the big day, and it's so much more enjoyable if they are supportive.[/QUOTE]

As a vendor, I honestly apologize for the lack of understanding. The couples I have worked with were very honest and upfront, and it still was kind of a double-take. We've been doing videos and photos for years, but it wasn't until last year that we started receiving calls from couples who weren't just bride/groom. It's great that this market is opening up, just means more work for us! I really hope that there aren't a lot of issues when you talk to vendors. Clients are clients and we all use the same money.

Cheers!

Wow, I am really surprised to see that so many have had issues with finding vendors who were "friends of the family". Frankly, when I get calls from gay couples I am often shocked by how shocked they are by me being so okay with the whole process.

My job is to capture your special day, not to judge it. Gay, straight, black, white or tan - if you are in love.... we are here to help!

Tom Keene
www.LAdigitalPhoto.com
888-LAD-PHOTO
Proudly serving all California!

quote:

Originally posted by tom keene:
Wow, I am really surprised to see that so many have had issues with finding vendors who were "friends of the family". Frankly, when I get calls from gay couples I am often shocked by how shocked they are by me being so okay with the whole process.

My job is to capture your special day, not to judge it. Gay, straight, black, white or tan - if you are in love.... we are here to help!

Tom Keene
www.LAdigitalPhoto.com
888-LAD-PHOTO
Proudly serving all California!

hello everyone,
This is such an inspiring post, and thanks for who you are for the world! I just wanted to share a great site that I found for invitations: discount wedding invitations Hope that will be of some use to those who are still at that stage of planning.

I can't believe people in todays society still can act this way!?? Personally I'd rather shoot gay/lesbian weddings than the straights!



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