In the early stages of planning our wedding, I was frequently horrifed and chagrined about spending so much money (not to mention HOURS) on Just One Day. I wish someone had sat me down at the time and said, "Honey, that's really a myth about it being one day. That's like saying sex only lasts for 30 seconds." Ohhh......
The truth is, most carefully planned weddings last over a year in all and have the potential to touch or transform the structure of your community during the planning process. If you are sitting around the kitchen table tying up Jordan almonds in little circles of tulle, and your friends are helping you do it, why my dears, your Wedding is already in full swing! Those are very important moments to savor because in the insanity of the wedding day itself, you might not even have a chance to chat with those particular friends.
If I had been more attuned to this concept of Wedding-As-Process rather than Goal, there are a few things I would have done differently during the planning. For SURE I would have made it a top priority to involve the people who are most important to me in some of the detail work. Everyone was willing to help, it was just a matter of us planning everything with enough notice that it would mesh conveniently with their schedules. It's key for loved ones to be invested and involved before the wedding day, because it's exciting to be part of a lavish affair created by an entire village.
Now that "The Day" has come and gone, my wife and I are mildly surprised to find we have no regrets whatsoever about spending so much money in 24 hours. When we reminisce about our wedding, we remember the experience as a year-long journey over a sacred life threshold -- and we would do it again in a heartbeat.
Posts: 19 | Location: Conservatory of Flowers, San Francisco | Registered: 21 January 2006
Thanks so much for sharing that. It makes me feel better about asking for help. My fiance and I live in the Detroit area so we are getting married in Windsor, but the ceremony is a 30 minute drive back across the border. Because of this I have starting asking people to help with a lot of different aspects, like having a mistress of ceremonies to entertain the guests while we finish up our pictures and get back through customs. And other friends who we plan to ask to pick up the flowers and things from the gazebo where our ceremony will be held. Your post makes me realize that most people really appreciate being asked to do these things.
I could not agree more about it not just being one day! Wedding planning is ideally a process that helps you and your friends and family (and your fiancee, of course!) all grow closer.
I joked a lot that we were running a bridal sweatshop because our attendants and family members did so much of the work from far away from where we were living... but really, they volunteered and did it because they wanted to. (My crazy parents volunteered to make apple jelly from the tree in the front yard for 150 people for favors, and enlisted both of my brothers in doing so.)
We also have no regrets about spending so much money for 24 hours. More importantly, our parents don't either, which is good, because it was all their money being spent. But afterwards all of the things that were initially quibbled over as being extravagant, were hailed as being "so totally worth every penny".
Thank you Countess and Just Married! I hope to be able to add similar words of wisdom once my own wedding has come to pass! It helps so much with the stress and the worry of now, and finalizing the last details that we're working on!
Hi, agreed, it's not "just one day".....As an officiant, I give my couples a questionaire which I ask them to fill out separately. This is what I base their ceremony on, but very often they will tell me that the questions helped them really think about their partner and the relationship. The entire process should be a learning process, and a joyful one.
Part two of the answer is that you should be spending money in ways that are meaningful to you, not in ways that make you feel like hostages. Money is not the only issue in ANYTHING; if it was, we'd all be driving tiny cheap cars and eating macaroni and cheese outta the box. Money, when spent without guilt or fear, can help you build a day that you'll remember forever.
What about when your event is more than one day? It seems that is the way ours is going. The ceremony is at 8 a.m. The last thing on the itenerary .. is at midnight. Does this constitute more than one day?
I do agree that a wedding is by far more than a one day event. Over the past year as we have been planning things I have spent a lot more time with my family and friends than I have in a long time. We've even started making up "wedding" excuses just to get together. Overall its been great.
All our friends and family are helping us out in one way or another. Its certainly not just about money (although a lot has been spent). Its the little things like spending 7 hours with my mom tying tiny ribbons to invitations, or going to three different cake testings in one day, or even arguing with shell over which bridesmaid will walk with which groomsmen.
Yes the ceremony itself is one day, but the planning and the time together is way more than that. And even afterwards as you are putting away your gifts, and telling everyone about the ceremony, and showing off pictures from your honeymoon it all becomes really clear. Our wedding has inspired other couples we know who thought such a thing was pointless to go for it.
Posts: 6 | Location: San Diego | Registered: 05 August 2007
First of all, to Idinafan1, props for your taste in HOT Broadway performers!! Second, my partner and I have just begun our 1 year countdown, (359 days to 8-8-8...thank you, leap year!), and finding this thread was a blessing! I'm both excited and nervous, but now know to be on the lookout for all of the little moments along the way that will probably prove to be "just one day" experiences as well.
Planning a wedding really is a 'journey,' isn't it? That's what my partner and I found. And, in some ways, it feels like it is still going since it has evolved into this business!
I really believe that one's wedding day should be a culminating event -- a result of all the planning and compromising and celebrating and deliberating -- rather than an empty set of rituals read from a book.
This allows a same sex ceremony, as I tell everyone I know, to be a truly transformative experience.
I'd love to hear any transformation stories out there -- whether from the couple in "the vortex" or the friends & family members who experienced the planning process alongside their brides/grooms.
Posts: 104 | Location: Arlington, VA | Registered: 13 January 2006
well said justmarried...when I planned my wedding it took over a year and was only small (40/50 guests), and those memories have now lasted me over 20 years. Linda ...sandalwood fans
It may be more than just one day, but it's so many days of planning!! Does anyone have any insight on the whole gift-giving process? A couple of our married friends want us to use those online gift-registry websites. One's been pushing MyRegistry.com - since it's the only site where you don't have to list names of a "bride" and a "groom," you just put whatever names you want. We haven't tried to build a list there yet, but I do like that you can choose any kind of gift from anyplace on the web, and if you want, choose cash instead of gifts. Has anyone else tried that, or had any experiences with any of these online gift-registries? We're looking at a fall wedding, so we're going to have to figure out what to do soon.
Great thread - And in fact, I recently posted an article on my blog about marriage after the wedding that would be potentially an interesting read for those of you who have followed this as well.
But afterwards all of the things that were initially quibbled over as being extravagant, were hailed as being "so totally worth every penny".
