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So my girl and I have been engaged now since August and we have told Mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters and some aunts and uncle's. However, we are having a problem figuring out exactly how to announce our engagement to everyone and figure out who is actually willing to show up to our wedding. I seemed to have searched everywhere for lesbian wedding etiquette and I just can't find a good answer. Is there a nice way to annouce our engagement, send save the dates, and explain and "ask" who might be attending so that we can get a general idea? My fear is this: our generalized guest list of everyone we want to invite is at about 175, but I fear that it would be shortened to like 75 for the fact that people might be afraid or uncomfortable in coming. So I guess my real question is, is there a way to ask or discuss with these people with out being pushy or rude? We are trying to plan early because we are paying for this entirely by ourselves and we want to make sure that we can actually afford it, and from what I understand a 100 person differance can make a hugh differance. I will also explain a little background info, that may or may not help. We want a somewhat traditional wedding in the sence that it will include traditions from our pasts. Also I am the last of 6 kids in my family to be married, 5 of which are happening this year. Any suggestions would be very appreciated, or if someone could point me in the direction of good books or people to talk with would be very helpful.

Hi - we're kind of going through the same dilemma. We told a lot of people over the phone, in person, etc. We've actually had a lot of people invite themselves, believe it or not lol, so they're likely to come.

We have the save the date cards all ready to go, but aren't mailing them until we make some kind of contact with everyone, not necessarily firsthand.

The situation with his dad was so uncertain that he came right out and said, "We want you and all my brothers to be there." After a few days, his dad confirmed that this was somewhat difficult for him, but that he and all of Brian's brothers would be there.

There is some iffyness on my side of the family as well. Apparently one Uncle has said he wouldn't attend, and that may or may not affect the rest of his side of the family's attendance.

On my dad's side - my dad died in 1992 and I've had little contact with them since the mid-90's, so they don't even know I'm gay. I don't hide it from anyone, I just haven't talked to them.

So the solution we have in mind: Mail everything much earlier than what all the official planners and guidelines tell you. Our wedding is in September. We are sending save the date cards this week. (Everyone on the mailing list who has not been told personally has been "prepped" by another family member.) The exception would be my Dad's side - there's a full plan in effect:

I called one Aunt and my Grandmother for Xmas, which would not be out of the ordinary. The plan was just to make contact, and then call back in January with the news. As it turns out, my Aunt Pat answered the phone, said, "Merry Christmas" followed by "Are you getting married?" lol. So I told her everything, and she is definitely coming. I am waiting on her now to "feel out" the rest of the family, and I will call her back in about a week. Depending on the reaction, the save the dates will either go out to that side of the family or not. (I'm only inviting my father's three sisters, out of respect, and possibly his mother, if they think she can handle it.)

Then we are sending out the actual invitations as early as late May, with an early R.S.V.P. date - so we can get a good idea of how many would actually attend way ahead of time.

Hope that helps!

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by gurdies2short:
So my girl and I have been engaged now since August and we have told Mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters and some aunts and uncle's. However, we are having a problem figuring out exactly how to announce our engagement to everyone and figure out who is actually willing to show up to our wedding. I seemed to have searched everywhere for lesbian wedding etiquette and I just can't find a good answer. Is there a nice way to annouce our engagement, send save the dates, and explain and "ask" who might be attending so that we can get a general idea? My fear is this: our generalized guest list of everyone we want to invite is at about 175, but I fear that it would be shortened to like 75 for the fact that people might be afraid or uncomfortable in coming. So I guess my real question is, is there a way to ask or discuss with these people with out being pushy or rude? We are trying to plan early because we are paying for this entirely by ourselves and we want to make sure that we can actually afford it, and from what I understand a 100 person differance can make a hugh differance. I will also explain a little background info, that may or may not help. We want a somewhat traditional wedding in the sence that it will include traditions from our pasts. Also I am the last of 6 kids in my family to be married, 5 of which are happening this year. Any suggestions would be very appreciated, or if someone could point me in the direction of good books or people to talk with would be very helpful.

I would put the news out there with your favorite most chatty, friendly relatives... you know who I mean, the gossiping "hubs" who keep up with everyone. Be sure to tell them that they have your approval in spreading the word, and have them informally collect information back about what responses were (the real gossips will love this!). Having someone else do the investigation saves you a lot of unpleasantness if someone's immediate reaction was less than ideal.

If you don't have anyone like this and have to spread the news yourself: I think it's particularly good if you can hijack on holiday or new year mail, mentioning something to the effect of the happy news of your engagement amidst all the other news the year brought for you. This vague enough that it doesn't commit you to an invite to the person, but people will respond with "congratulations on your engagement!" (via email, phone, card, letter, what have you) if they are moved in a positive way by your news. If not, the silence is telling that those people might not be first on your invitation list. The holiday card/piggybacked-onto-another-mailing is particularly nice because the sole purpose of the mailing is not just to inform about the engagement, so you won't get people responding out of obligation. Also nice because in writing, you can word it carefully and they can word their response carefully, given that it's probably a first for them.

Other than that, do the usual engagement spiel: put an ad in the paper (where you are, where your hometowns are, where your relatives are). People will see it - you might be surprised at just how far-reaching the society section is. Have some kind of engagement ring for each of you, even if it's not elaborate and only until the wedding. These things do get noticed and start a lot of conversations, and that news also spreads through the grapevine.... and again, supportive people WILL do the proper thing, namely, to look you up and congratulate you!

You always COULD do a formal engagement announcement mailing, made less awkward if someone wants to throw you an engagement party, but it's more in-your-face and you might get people responding out of obligation even if they don't approve.

In any cases, the responses you get to the news of "We're engaged!" will be telling and will help you get a feel for who is on board and who is not!

Save-the-dates commit you to sending an actual invitation, and yes, this can be very awkward in a gay wedding context if someone responds poorly to the save-the-date if they haven't been properly felt-out about their feelings about the wedding beforehand. Trust me, I know! So it's good if someone has an initial contact before the first save-the-date. This doesn't have to be you- your parents can be responsible for all of their guests, you contact all your friends, etc. Thus, instead of contacting 150 homes, you might contact 50.

Even after all that, having a +/- 100 list margin of uncertainty early on is very much a possibility, though - because not every well-intentioned person will be able to come if it involves travel, especially during a busy time of year. You just have to deal with the huge amount of uncertainty in response rate like any other couple.

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