GayWeddings.com

So I start my slightly histrionic montage with the silly little question of "how do you know"? Please... I know you don't just know. And I also know that just because I'm asking this question does not mean that we are or are not ready.

I'm Dee, I'm 25 and in medical school. My partner of 2.5 years is 26, working and in college. I'm the kind of super femme who's been planning her wedding since 16. However, clearly almost a decade later I understand that there will never be a flawless, perfect wedding, nor will there be a perfect marriage. Yet, as much as I logically understand all this, I can't seem to handle the emotional aspect of it not being perfect. And I also don't know why I'm grappling with all of these fears about marriage.

I dated a man for 5 years when I was younger, and as a totally openminded Christian I was fine with everyone else being gay, but not myself. Clearly my efforts at being straight went sour around the time that I broke up with him not knowing he had already bought me a ring. He was wonderful, but unfortunately for our relationship, I'm solely same-sex oriented and have known since I was 8 (but at least I told him three months into our relationship and didn't keep him in the dark).

I think part of the fears I have stem from an abusive childhood, which led to an abusive first same-sex relationship with my best friend (what was I thinking lol re: the abuse um AND the best friend) that ended when I realized that I was tolerating abuse and evidently loving relationships do not develop around abuse.

I had been infatuated with my current partner since I was 18, and we started college together. However, I was hyperheterosexual and was like hi nice to meet you did I mention I have a boyfriend? When she started dating someone at my school, I let her be and we went our separate ways but she was the first girl I ever really fell for (and never told her). A few years ago, and a few partners later, some mutual friends set us up and we met up to catch up. The rest is history.

In the beginning of our relationship she was really immature and not really willing to give me what an adult relationship entails. However, we have grown together, despite all the roadblocks.

I love her, and I know she loves me. I think she's the most beautiful woman (or little boi) that I've ever seen, and when we're 70 and sipping tea on our porch, she's the only one I want to be sitting on the swing with me. We've been discussing getting married (and moving in together) a lot lately, and I feel like of all people, I'm getting cold feet. I just want it to be right. I want us to be financially sound, emotionally ready for committing for the rest of our lives. I want to dot our I's and cross all of our T's before we embark on our lives together. I know we share the same values, morals, financial goals, family ideals. And yet I'm terrified. My parents have divorced and remarried several times each and I want this to be right. We both want children and I refuse to bring children into the world only to have our family torn apart. I know the statistics are against us. I also am concerned about what our families will say. We're both out to our families and friends. But, her parents just think I'm the nice girl studying to be a doctor their daughter spends Valentine's Day with... I think they're in denial. And my family knows, but I'm concerned about my more extended family, cousins, great aunts, and what will come of that. I mean how does everyone find out we're together... Dee and J without the support of their families would like to invite you to a celebration of their love? What if many of them decide not to come? How do I explain I'm married to a woman to a residency program after medical school? At some point someone will ask me about that ring on my finger. I'm so out loud out proud [most days], but medicine is conservative and I would like my family, something I value so deeply, to be a non-issue and not something to be hidden every day.

I know that marriage is not about that fantasy perfect wedding day. It's really about every day after. And I don't know why I'm so freaked out. I tend to overthink things (really me? never), but I really want to ensure this is the right decision, or that even thinking of getting married is appropriate at this point. To me, the idealistic me, it's about the beautiful wedding day shared with our loved ones, and all the days of the rest of our lives. But to the logical me, it's about paying for that lovely day, buying a home together, our combined credit scores, joint accounts, how to split chores, how to discipline our children, how are we going to have children, saving for retirement together, how to handle our disagreements in a civil manner. The REAL day-to-day stuff. Love is great, but it won't pay the bills or mow the lawn. I think it's much better to be thinking logically about everything and not highflying on a pretty wedding day, but now this is ridiculous. I'm going nuts about it. And it's nice to talk to all of my friends about it, but a) many of them are straight and don't understand the real implications of being in a same sex marriage/union and b) my gay friends are not in real, committed relationships, or if they are--marriage and children is not something they want. I'm hoping someone can shed a little light on the situation. Have a great night and thanks for bearing with me. Ciao.