Just a word of thoughtful advice, from someone who was not-so-thoughtful herself.
All of the books / magazines / etc... emphasize that you should tell family first, friends second. This is one (of two) things (thus far in the wedding planning) that i would do over.
even if your family is questionably supportive of your "lifestyle choices", having them find out that your "chosen family" (as i refer to my friends) was notified first, can cause some feelings of hurt and resentment that don't seem to go away.
It was not something i anticipated, and is something i can't seem to alleviate.
I'm with you, there. My mother was somewhat offended that I told my sister (who is also my best friend) first. I knew my mom wouldn't be happy for me, though (at least not entirely), and I really wanted to savour the feeling of being newly engaged and joyful and having lots of congratulations before dealing with the first negative response. A definite Gilmore Girls moment. I think she understood, though, and over the last year she's gone from maybe-not-coming-to-the-wedding to being totally into the invitations and the shower and other planning. I'm amazed and really proud of and grateful to her for the turn-around.
Posts: 39 | Location: Western Massachusetts | Registered: 23 January 2006
I think that weddings are transformative -- especially for straight moms of lesbians, who are trying to get the day to fit into their original vision of what their daughter's wedding would look like!
Posts: 101 | Location: Arlington, VA | Registered: 13 January 2006
You betcha! My poor Mom- her reception site burned down a day or two after her wedding- with her dress in it. Then, my oldest sister got married in North Carolina, and being so far away, Mom didn't really get to participate much in the planning- she still complains about this more than 10 years later. My middle sister has a long term partner- I call him my Brother-in-Love and of course, Mom would looooove to see them get married, but it's been almost a decade now and she's going to have to wait some more. And her baby-girl is a lesbian! Though I feel a little sheepish to say it, I'm kind of glad she never got her daughter's-wedding-fix before. I think that's a major contributing factor in how much she's become involved in and supportive of our wedding. I just hope we can give her a little satisfaction after all this time!
Posts: 39 | Location: Western Massachusetts | Registered: 23 January 2006
I was actually relieved by my mother's response -- absolutely over-the-top excitement about her only daughter's "Commitment BBQ" (I can't bring myself to call it a wedding for various reasons). And it was that immediate gushing that is keeping me from doubting our decision to do this, especially when my partner's mom was less than excited when she told her and is behaving so far as though it's a bit of a silly waste (of course it wasn't a silly waste when her straight son got married). Every time I get upset thinking about her response I remember my mom's and it helps SO much!!
My partner and I are recently engaged and we have told her mom, who is very supportive and have told some of our close friends. I have not told my family. They are just going to be "debbie downers" about it and I am just not ready to hear what they have to say, or see the eye rolls or what not. I have not decided what the best way to tell them is. I would feel kind of bad about just sending them a "save the date" in the mail, however, part of me just wants to do that! I know. Horrible. I am close to my parents, but even after being out to them for 15 years, they have a difficult time with it. They think of my partner as a room-mate and not my life-partner and I am kind of hoping this ceremony will help to change that. We also both have a son from a previous relationship, so even though the boys think of themselves as brothers, we hope that it helps to bring our family closer together.
Any suggestions on how to handle this??? Thanks in advance,
okay my girlfriend and I will have been together for 5 years in november and I'm planning on asking her to marry me oct.31st halloweens her favorite holiday ... and now heres my question my family tolerates her see they're old fashioned and they do not accept our lifestyle alot of people in her family are the same way and our friends don't take us seriously ... but its important to me that the people I love are involved in such a memorable experience in our lives (my girlfriend feels the same) any advice??
