GayWeddings.com

I am a parent and have a child who will be getting married in a same-sex ceremony. Who pays for the wedding when two brides / grooms are involved? Since there will be two brides does it mean that both sets of parents will split the cost in half?

This is a question that we hear often and which I received via email earlier today.

Interestingly, though I often hear this question from gay couples, today's email came from a parent wondering how to support her daughter without making assumptions about who would be paying and accidently insulting her daughter, her soon-to-be daughter-in-law, or her new in-laws.

I just co-led a seminar in Boston in which the 9 couples in attendance all asked questions about this very issue. They, too, didn't want to be insulting toward their parents, but weren't sure how to broach the issue -- even though, for some, there had been a precedent set by their parents at a siblings' weddings!

Many gay couples begin planning their wedding day expecting to pay expenses on their own and don't really think about bringing their parents in on it. Many have both families treat -- either in ways more in keeping with the tradition of one family footing more of the bill (the wedding day) and the other helping elsewhere (rehearsal dinner, brunch, invitations, etc.). And, some do have families participate equally. Of course, it is still often the case that some parents don't want to participate in any way in their child's same-sex wedding, which can be a sensitive issue for all parties involved.

One couple in our seminar had said that their two sets of parents (who had met previously) had actually already called each other to compare notes and find out what each had in mind! Frisky and resourceful parents, they are!

For parents, I advise that the best place to start is by checking in with the couple.

Perhaps begin by saying something to one's daughter like: "We are so very excited about your wedding! Your father and I have always expected to help you with the cost of your wedding day, but, since we are lucky enough to have two brides in the picture, we aren't sure if ((insert future daughter-in-law's name here))'s parents will be contributing as well or if you had something else in mind. Is this something you and ____ have discussed? How would you like to handle this?"

Many brides don't want to offend their parents or make assumptions. And, many can really use the help of a parent who understands the importance of setting a budget and planning an event like this.

This scenario can play out for grooms, as well. It may be different, however, because there isn't a traditional expectation that the groom's family will pay for the wedding as it is for the bride's. I suppose it's worth checking to see if there will be two rehearsal dinners offered in that case!!

It's very possible that, if one's son or daughter has only recently become engaged and hasn't done much research, s/he may not really have an answer for you yet. But, your approach (would most likely be a relief for him/her) and will hopefully inspire a conversation between the engaged couple.

In sum, I believe that a loving and enthusiastic response which gives your child space to connect with his or her partner and think about a plan is often the best course of action.