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Okay, here's my debate. My girl most definitely wants to wear a dress, as she is very feminine (think 1950s pinup) but I am torn.

I love clothing and dress pretty hip (as does my girl), but more androgynous than her. However, I do not identify as a boi or a butch or anything else...I identify simply as a woman who is sexually attracted to other women...if I'm forced to pick between butch or femme, I guess I'm an eyeliner butch or a tomboy femme (think Shane from the L Word, NOT Moira) But I hate having to do that.

For this reason, I am doubting my first impulse to wear a vintage pinstriped suit. I don't want to look like I'm imitating straight people with one in a suit and the other in a dress. I don't want my girl to feel like we're unequal. We love our sameness and equality in our relationship despite the fact that she looks more feminine than I am. I fear that dressing in a suit would give certain narrowminded people who go by stereotypes when dealing with gays and lesbians (ie members of her family) exactly what they're looking for..."Oh, she's the MAN, and our daughter is the WOMAN, and that means that she's the boss of my daughter..."the usual crap.

Gay men have various gender dynamics in their relationships as well, yet you don't usually see one groom wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit, you know what I mean? So this makes me wonder why I've never seen pics of a lesbian wedding where both brides are in dresses. Mostly you see one woman in a dress, the other in a suit (or tux), or both of them in tuxes. I wonder why this is so the opposite of how the guys do it.

As far as wearing a dress, this is the option my girl is in favor of. She thinks it would be hot for both of us to be in dresses. All of our friends however are pushing the opposite way, saying it wouldn't be "lesbian" if we both wore dresses. I think it's ridiculous to say something is lesbian and something is not--for every lesbian couple, there's a different way of doing things.

As for what I want, I don't really care either way. My first thought was 'suit' because I'm not the dress sort, but I'd rather have our wedding be the celebration of our union and similarities rather than an emphasis (as straight couples do) of our differences.

Any opinions? No offense intended to those lesbians who use very strict gender divisions in all aspects of their lives (ie one butch the other femme). That's great if it works for you, but its just not us (outside of the bedroom, at least

My partner had this same dilemma. She is definitely not butch (in fact she has quite a feminine face and gets regular manicures and pedicures) but she never wears dresses. For work, she usually wears a crisp white shirt and slacks with her signature Gucci loafers.

Now me, I am as femme as they come. I would never even CONSIDER getting married in anything but a dress. And a veil. And pearls. And white gloves and white satin shoes. You get the idea.

So, Gina was a little concerned that if she wore a suit everyone would think of her as "the guy" which is really not an accurate description of her personality or our relationship.

In the end, she wore a beautiful, unstructured velvet suit, black with white piping, with a feminine cut. The interior lining was this crazy bright fabric with fuschia and orange, but you couldn't see it unless she opened up the jacket to show you. It was totally her and looked fantastic. Everyone loved her outfit.

My advice would be to wear a more elegant, upscale version of something you would wear to go out dancing in regular life. It is so important to feel completely, authentically yourself at your wedding. Why wear something that doesn't feel like an expression of who you are?

XO
Shannon

I agree, wear a more foraml version of what you would wear to someone elses wedding. You want to be comfortable.

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Originally posted by hedonist:
makes me wonder why I've never seen pics of a lesbian wedding where both brides are in dresses. Mostly you see one woman in a dress, the other in a suit (or tux), or both of them in tuxes. I wonder why this is so the opposite of how the guys do it.

Hi, Hedonist!

This is actually a good question -- I've wondered, too. My wife and I got married a bit over two years ago, and we both wore traditional wedding gowns. We didn't even think about doing it differently - it just made sense given who we are and the formality of our wedding. If you want to see pictures of what the two big poufy dress scenario looks like, we've got an assortment of wedding pics in a directory here:
http://students.washington.edu/~gogarten/wedding

Or, for more of a guided tour through the enormous number of pictures from our photographers, you can check out my bio from theknot.com, a wedding planning website we relied heavily on.
http://www.theknot.com/co_profileview.htm?profilename=JenniferYasmine

Anyway, "what are you wearing" was like *the* major question that guests and invitees had. A bunch of guests initially expected that one of us would wear a tuxedo, I think, which is odd, because we're both pretty girly, and we both like getting dressed up. But it's just the image that people have from media or whatever.

Although it was hard to find gowns that coordinated well without being too matchy-matchy, the two dresses thing worked out really well for us. It *was* hot and it was very us, and also, it helped all guests and vendors get that we were both the bride.

I also think *no one* wears dresses as formal as most bridal gowns on a regular basis. So of course it's a major departure from what you wear everyday - it is for every bride, gay or straight, no matter how femme. My feeling is that that's okay - it's a special day, after all.

Anyway, my advice to you is go gown shopping before you decide either way. Try on some dresses at a variety of shops, and see whether they feel like a put on or whether you feel bridal. A lot of designers are doing more elegant, pared down, less frilly dresses right now, so you don't have to look like an overly-besequined meringue unless you want to. If you decide after you've hit a couple of different shops (pick upscale ones with a reputation for good customer service for your scouting mission, even if you have no intention of buying, because David's Bridal is enough to put everyone off wedding dresses) that a wedding dress is not for you, then you can look at the nondress options knowing that you've made an informed decision.

quote:

Originally posted by Countess:
This is actually a good question -- I've wondered, too. My wife and I got married a bit over two years ago, and we both wore traditional wedding gowns. We didn't even think about doing it differently - it just made sense given who we are and the formality of our wedding. If you want to see pictures of what the two big poufy dress scenario looks like, we've got an assortment of wedding pics in a directory here:
[URL=http://students.washington.edu/%7Egogarten/wedding]

Ooh, that should be:
http://students.washington.edu/~gogarten/wedding.html

But the Knot bio is probably way more fun, anyway.

Awww, Countess, your pictures are gorgeous!!! It's sort of funny, how many similarities my wedding had with yours. You and your wife must be of a similar mindset as me and mine... (hmm, grammar, hard!)

Here are some pictures of our 2 girls in gowns wedding.





Despite the fact that my girl isn't usually the dress type either, she is certainly isn't butchy. The Shane from L-Word reference is most appropriate for her too, while I am a girly girl through and through. We decided on wedding gowns because we wanted to feel like brides and it best suited our personalities.

I have a lesbian and gay wedding photo group on flickr where you can see some more ideas of the many variations that 2 brides can put on their apparel. Countess, you should add some of yours!!

Flickr: Love Is Love, Lesbian and Gay Wedding Photos

Oh, yes, try flipping through the lesbian and gay wedding Flickr group suggested above. I loved the photos posted by "coffee monster" because they featured two brides in dresses, in our colors- one red and one white. The other photos in the group were helpful, too. Check it out! -Kate-

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Originally posted by RedShoes:
Awww, Countess, your pictures are gorgeous!!!

Thank you! Yours are lovely as well! I love both of your dresses!!

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It's sort of funny, how many similarities my wedding had with yours. You and your wife must be of a similar mindset as me and mine... (hmm, grammar, hard!)

Classic never goes out of style!

Reflecting on it later, we really had a pretty traditional wedding, except for the two brides thing. We've had a bunch of straight friends get married in the past two years since our wedding, and all of their weddings were less traditional.

Oh, there's fact that we were insane enough to have it in Vermont in January... in a church without any electricity. We rented those propane heaters that ice fishermen use. The people at the hardware store nearly died when we came in to rent the heaters - they couldn't have cared less about the fact that we were two women, but they seriously thought we were insane for picking our ceremony location!

When and where did you and your wife get married? I can only assume it was a more temperate time/location based on the stylish, strappy/strapless dresses. Anyway, you both looked lovely and radiantly happy. Congratulations!!

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Despite the fact that my girl isn't usually the dress type either, she is certainly isn't butchy. The Shane from L-Word reference is most appropriate for her too, while I am a girly girl through and through. We decided on wedding gowns because we wanted to feel like brides and it best suited our personalities.

I totally agree that you don't have to be an ultra-girly-girl to wear a wedding gown. I'm presuming you are the one in the more full-skirted ballgown and your wife is the one in the strapless column dress? Both dresses are beautiful, and your wife's dress is an absolute poster-child for 'wedding dresses do not need to be big and poofy and ornate to be formal and elegant'. It seems like you found ways to express your different personal styles while remaining beautifully coordinated. The bouquets are a great way to tie things together.

Speaking of L-word, the most recent preview seemed to indicate that there might be a future L-word-wedding! Hurray! I'm so curious what they'll wear...

Thanks also for the Flickr link - I'll be sure to post pictures! Absolutely fabulous photos on there - I particularly love the couple with their SIX children, all of whom looked so happy. Awwww.

My girlfriend and I are just the same. She will be wearing a vest that really suits her. Pardon the pun. She likes the pants idea and such, but is not butch. She'll probably even get her nails done. But a Vest can come off very nice and not to girly or too butch.

I went through the same thing trying to figure out what to wear for our wedding. I was getting fed up with the typical question of "who's wearing the tux??" My wife is very feminine so it was a no brainer what she was going to wear. For me....well...that's a different story. To make it crystal clear, I'm a long haul truck driver and before that, I was an Infantryman in the Canadian Armed Forces. The last time I wore a dress was when I graduated from Boot Camp. The officers thought it would be funny to see me in a dress so they ordered all the women in my platoon to wear a skirt. Get the picture?
Anyways, I lost a bet and had to agree to at least try on a wedding dress. The strangest thing happened - after the 3rd dress the clerk handed me (I think she was having fun playing "Dress the Lesbian") I turned into Bridezilla. Next thing I knew, I was saying stuff like "I want something strapless and with a fuller skirt" and "Where are the tiara's?" Even my fiance was surprised when I insisted that I had found "The dress of my dreams" and bought it on the spot. Needless to say, we had friends and family flying in from all over the country just to see me in a dress. As it turned out, we ended up having my mother's wedding (minus the groom) and it was far more traditional than many straight weddings. I ended up being the one in the big honking wedding dress with a train and a veil and I wouldn't change a thing. I am a girl after all - why would I want to dress like a man for what should be the most special day of my life?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bridezilla,

wedding.jpg (89 KB, 128 downloads)

quote:

Originally posted by Bridezilla:
I went through the same thing trying to figure out what to wear for our wedding. I was getting fed up with the typical question of "who's wearing the tux??" My wife is very feminine so it was a no brainer what she was going to wear. For me....well...that's a different story. To make it crystal clear, I'm a long haul truck driver and before that, I was an Infantryman in the Canadian Armed Forces. The last time I wore a dress was when I graduated from Boot Camp. The officers thought it would be funny to see me in a dress so they ordered all the women in my platoon to wear a skirt. Get the picture?
Anyways, I lost a bet and had to agree to at least try on a wedding dress. The strangest thing happened - after the 3rd dress the clerk handed me (I think she was having fun playing "Dress the Lesbian") I turned into Bridezilla. Next thing I knew, I was saying stuff like "I want something strapless and with a fuller skirt" and "Where are the tiara's?" Even my fiance was surprised when I insisted that I had found "The dress of my dreams" and bought it on the spot. Needless to say, we had friends and family flying in from all over the country just to see me in a dress. As it turned out, we ended up having my mother's wedding (minus the groom) and it was far more traditional than many straight weddings. I ended up being the one in the big honking wedding dress with a train and a veil and I wouldn't change a thing. I am a girl after all - why would I want to dress like a man for what should be the most special day of my life?

That is the cutest story! I swear, there's something biochemical that happens with wedding dresses. And tiaras... especially tiaras. We both wore tiaras, too, although I would have dismissed it as being too princessy if you'd told me about it much before our wedding.

For what it's worth, I think you absolutely made the right choice about strapless and fuller skirt, because it looks absolutely lovely on you! You and your wife make an absolutely adorable couple -- thanks for sharing the super-cute photo!

Oh, and Bridezilla, I also love your flowers -- they look exactly like what everyone tries to achieve when they talk about a "wildflowers" look, although that often ends up being schizophrenic and garish. Your bouquets are so natural and subtle and the shapes are fantastically organic... it combines so well with your dresses and what looks to be a beautiful rustic location. Way to go!

Congratulations again!

Thanks Countess! One more little pointer I have regarding the flowers is to not have a long trailing bouquet if you even think you may have a bad case of the nerves. Our guests were highly entertained by my quivering bouquet throughout the ceremony! I thought I was holding together rather well and couldn't understand why the minister was looking at me so oddly. Everyone told me afterwards that I looked like I was going to pass out at any moment. We had matching bouquets of orchids, spray roses, and lisianthus with bear grass
accents and white bouvardia and our flower girls had one stem of dendrobium orchids.

quote:

Originally posted by Bridezilla:
Thanks Countess! One more little pointer I have regarding the flowers is to not have a long trailing bouquet if you even think you may have a bad case of the nerves. Our guests were highly entertained by my quivering bouquet throughout the ceremony! I thought I was holding together rather well and couldn't understand why the minister was looking at me so oddly. Everyone told me afterwards that I looked like I was going to pass out at any moment. We had matching bouquets of orchids, spray roses, and lisianthus with bear grass
accents and white bouvardia and our flower girls had one stem of dendrobium orchids.

Your flowers sound really lovely!

The shaking thing - I would never have guessed that could be a problem! If anything, I tend to think of a bouquet as something for you to hold so that you HIDE your shaking hand and don't end up fisting your hands in the fabric of your dress.

We passed our bouquets off to our attendants at the beginning of the ceremony after we walked down the aisle, because I transferred the "deathgrip on father's arm" pretty directly to "deathgrip of wife-to-be's hand". We didn't get the bouquets back until post-ceremony because for the recessional we were carrying candles. This was particularly funny because we had one maid of honor and two best men, and the maid of honor already had a bouquet of her own, so my two teenaged brothers ended up carrying our respective bouquets. They were such good sports about it and makes for some good photos.

well my partner looks more butch then i do and shes thanking about wearing nice dress pants and shirt to match my dress.