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My parents are pretty uncomfortable about our wedding, even though I've been out to them for four years and even though they love J. They are coming to our wedding, though, and I really appreciate that- I don't know what I'd do without them there. We're trying to be considerate of them without compromising our dignity- seating arrangements with the moral support of my sister and bro-in-law and aunt, asking their advice occasionally, including Christian elements in our very Unitarian Universalist ceremony and skimping on the overt references to our own not-so-traditional-traditions, having a clergyperson as an officiant, and not making out during the kiss, etc. I think a very difficult moment for them would be "the first dance", and since we're not all that attached to reception traditions, we thought we might change it or forego it. I thought of dedicating the first dance to our parents and having them take the floor, starting with parents' dances (although I don't know if we want to do them), or just inviting everyone onto the floor with us. Or should I just dance with J and let them deal with it or leave? Anybody else having parental issues?
-Kate-

It seems like all I have are parent issues.
(as a side note: K's parents are fabulous - loving, supportive, more than either of us could ever ask for.)
My parent's are divorced and I have step parents and half siblings on both sides. My mom is great (but crazy), and just separated from my step dad, who has been a loving figure in my life since i was three.
My step mom has some deep issues regarding my life with k, and in particular our upcoming wedding. My dad and i just recently started talking again since news of my engagement last year.
I have also been "out" to them all for over a decade...so in my mind, NONE of this should be an issue.
I (we) actually haven't spent much time talking to any of them about details of their involvement (such as the first dance) yet. I would suggest just asking them - what are they comfortable with, what would they want? Also, if J's parents are involved in the wedding in a more supportive role, does that make a difference to your parents?

-Rachel

We kept a large percentage of wedding traditions intact, but this one we nixed. I love my father dearly, but frankly dancing is not his strong point, so me and him dancing wasn't going to be a touching moment for anyone (except maybe my big toe.)

If Gina was going to dance with a parent, it would be her mother (not her father), which then sort of positions her in a groom-like role and we didn't want to confuse people further who already were calling her the groom. So, we just decided to do away with the parent dances.

Gina and I are both very big showoffs, so if we had a little more time to plan, we probably would have taken a year of private dance lessons so we could amaze everyone with a flawless salsa complete with dips and turns. Unfortunately, we didn't really think about this with enough notice so then we were a little shy to just be out there on stage shifting from foot to foot and smiling.

What we did is tell our siblings and members of the wedding party what song we had chosen for our first dance and asked them to please join us on the dance floor when it started playing. This worked out quite well, because people could watch us if they wanted to, but we weren't SOOOO showcased. It allowed us to be more comfortable kissing on the dance floor the whole time.

Another nice benefit of having other couples join us out there from the start is this got everyone dancing soon after, which continued the rest of the night. We were both a bit amazed that the dancing ended up being such a hit. We didn't expect this! Our 80-year-old relatives were out there cuttin' a rug to "We Are Family" - can you believe it???? It was really very sweet.

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Originally posted by Kate:
We're trying to be considerate of them without compromising our dignity- seating arrangements with the moral support of my sister and bro-in-law and aunt, asking their advice occasionally, including Christian elements in our very Unitarian Universalist ceremony and skimping on the overt references to our own not-so-traditional-traditions, having a clergyperson as an officiant, and not making out during the kiss, etc.

I think all of these are good concessions, except for maybe the "not making out during the kiss" part. It's your wedding, after all, and you should be able to have a somewhat passionate kiss at the conclusion of your wedding ceremony.

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I think a very difficult moment for them would be "the first dance", and since we're not all that attached to reception traditions, we thought we might change it or forego it.

I think that it's worth asking your parents how they feel about this before you make any decisions. Just pose to them the question whether they'd like to have parent dances with you and then also pose the question if they might be comfortable dancing with each other for a bridal-party dance that opens up the dance floor (after your & your wife's first dance).

My in-laws weren't the most gung-ho about the wedding when we started planning, but it turned out that they felt that the parent dances were really important for them. We did have a hell of a time finding songs that both sets of parents could agree to, and in particular, since our moms also wanted to dance with us, finding an appropriate song for that. In the end we went with My Girl by the Temptations for both of us dancing with our fathers, followed by Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong for both of us dancing with our mothers.

The parent dances were such a nice, emotional moment that I think all of the song searching was very well worth it in the end. Our moms actually both felt very strongly about getting to have a dance with us, since our dads were walking us down the aisle, even though the moms stood for the giving away part. In fact, straight friends of ours who were guests at our wedding recently got married, even borrowed the mother-daughter dance custom and had the bride dancing with her mom, also to "Wonderful World".

Anyway, if your parents don't want to do the parent dance thing, they shouldn't feel like they have to, because it's not being done at every wedding anymore. I do think a nice way to show that they're included is to invite them up to dance along with your attendants for a bridal party dance, wherein your DJ invites all the other guests to join in after the first minute. You can even do this in addition to parent dances: order at our wedding was our first dance, father dance, mother dance, bridal party dance where everyone is invited to join in.

I'm not sure if you're asking this, but you should definitely have a first dance with your new wife. Even when the newlyweds don't really know how to dance, it's always a favorite moment as a wedding guest. I almost always cry. And it's one of my favorite moments from our wedding reception, which was one big montage of awesome.

Jenny

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Originally posted by justmarried:
Gina and I are both very big showoffs, so if we had a little more time to plan, we probably would have taken a year of private dance lessons so we could amaze everyone with a flawless salsa complete with dips and turns. Unfortunately, we didn't really think about this with enough notice so then we were a little shy to just be out there on stage shifting from foot to foot and smiling.

Learning how to dance is a really good thing! We'd taken a couple of general ballroom dance lessons as well as a couple of private lessons to help work out what to do to our first dance in particular. It was really fun, helped us be confident about dancing a lot at our wedding, and we've continued ballroom dancing as a hobby since the wedding as well.

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Another nice benefit of having other couples join us out there from the start is this got everyone dancing soon after, which continued the rest of the night.

I agree that doing this, whether at your first dance or a subsequent dance, is a great idea and very effective. We also had a LOT of dancing at our wedding because we'd pretty much succeeded in pulling everyone out to the dance floor to start with. Swing was a really, really big hit with both the older and younger generations, and guests were dancing with other guests they hadn't met before. Also, we had 3 flowergirls and a ringbearer who along with the other handful of children basically were out on the dance floor for the entire evening, and I think that really broke the ice and got other people dancing too.

Thank you all for your suggestions! I'm afraid our conundrum was all much ado about nothing- my Dad's not coming (unless he decides to show at the last minute, in which case I don't really want to dance with his sorry butt, anyway). To that end, we decided to quit accommodating people with crappy attitudes (mainly him) and just have our own first dance because we want to. However, it was a good suggestion to ask them about it- my Mom and I will be dragging our embarrassing old Rod Stewart tradition out of the closet and dancing to "Have I Told You Lately (That I Love You)". We used to dance together to that all the time, so I'm pretty happy about that. Also, another good suggestion there about getting the wedding party and family to help get people out on the dance floor- that's the plan! And I agree about dancing lessons- we've had a ball in the last few weeks at the local community center, learning merengue, salsa, cha-cha, tango, and swing! Now we have to practice! Whee!

Hi, having that kind of problem where you experienced conflict, I guess, ask your parent's decision for that. What if you'd make any changes, like you'll have to have your parent's do the first dance, and then not minding that it's hard for them actually to do that. Better ask them. I know how important your parent's are for your wedding but let's just respect whatever their decisions with it..just to avoid conflicts later on, and during the wedding of course.

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